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Post by steppedonwolf on Jul 14, 2010 13:40:47 GMT
If you love somebody, set them free.
Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.
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Post by ian on Jul 15, 2010 10:46:14 GMT
I was recently the subject of a joke, I chickened out of a fight , and crossed the road to get away.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jul 15, 2010 12:00:47 GMT
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing.
If you play it forward it will install Windows...
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Post by ian on Jul 15, 2010 22:11:55 GMT
A G N B :
That's bang out of order.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Aug 8, 2010 20:11:45 GMT
The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left; the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say, mum? I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry? Sorry?' says his mum. 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
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Post by steppedonwolf on Sept 11, 2010 20:37:11 GMT
I've just downloaded a digital version of The Koran.
I can burn a copy for you, if you like...
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Post by steppedonwolf on Sept 15, 2010 8:54:09 GMT
You know it's time to lay off the Botox when you have to denote surprise by holding up a little sign saying 'goodness me!'
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Post by ian on Sept 15, 2010 11:36:47 GMT
I saw a rolex on ebay and it said on the listing "Watch this item".
I don't remember setting the language to cave man.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Oct 16, 2010 9:09:05 GMT
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ''English Weather."
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'
In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite...
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Post by williemeikle on Oct 16, 2010 13:44:24 GMT
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ''English Weather." Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite... The local climate where I was brought up was never English weather in the first place...
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Post by williemeikle on Oct 20, 2010 18:19:59 GMT
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jan 3, 2011 10:24:09 GMT
Thanks to Rhys Hughes for this:
My latest girlfriend is a cannibal. Two days ago she ate me, and I didn't complain; yesterday she digested me, and I still thought we were good together; but this morning she dumped me!
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Post by ian on Jan 8, 2011 10:45:38 GMT
When I was a kid I loved playing battleships, but I was so poor I had to play a makeshift version using pieces of paper.
It was shit, everytime my brother said "A4" he sank my entire fleet.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jan 19, 2011 11:53:05 GMT
After reading the crossword clue 'Physically aggressive behaviour (8)', I've realised that violence is the answer.
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Post by ian on Jan 19, 2011 13:10:20 GMT
An Apple store was broken into and £10,000 worth of merchandise was stolen. The police are confident they can recover both computers.
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