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Post by TheWalkinDude on Aug 21, 2009 13:06:43 GMT
what did Hitler say before his men got in they're tanks?
Men get in your tanks...
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Post by ian on Aug 21, 2009 20:43:24 GMT
"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression.
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Post by amie29 on Aug 21, 2009 21:27:20 GMT
"Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression. Funny and so true... ;D
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Post by steppedonwolf on Aug 21, 2009 22:15:14 GMT
Paddy has been cleaning his rifle. He accidently shoots his wife, and phones 999.
"I've just shot me wife! Jesus, I think I've killed her!"
"Calm down, sir," the operator replies. "Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
Click-click. BANG!
"Okay. Done that. Now what?"
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Post by amie29 on Aug 22, 2009 14:46:56 GMT
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
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Post by Vaughan on Aug 24, 2009 7:33:30 GMT
"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
"I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
"I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough." "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
"I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."
"I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
"Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."
"She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging."
"I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."
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Post by danielirussell on Aug 24, 2009 10:32:22 GMT
My mum said she'd bought a theatre. I asked her, are you having me on? She said I'd have to audition first.
I phoned the council and asked if I could have a skip outside my house. They said, no one's stopping you.
I asked the icecream man for an icecream. He said, ninety nine? I said, no just one.
I bought the Australian version of Dancing Queen. It's an ABBAriginal.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. Long word for a five year old...
And so on.
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Post by TheWalkinDude on Aug 24, 2009 12:09:40 GMT
a sausage and an egg are sitting in a frying pan, sizzling away.
the sauage turns to the egg and says: "Blimey, its hot in here eh?"
the egg replies: "f*ck me, a talking sausage!"
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Post by amie29 on Aug 24, 2009 16:44:16 GMT
;D I got a good laugh out of that LOL.
"Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children." Now thats to funny
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Post by TheWalkinDude on Aug 25, 2009 8:26:40 GMT
they say that Michael Jackson acctually died from a specific genetic trait that can only be found in people of protestant descent.
its called the Billy Gene.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Aug 25, 2009 19:04:19 GMT
Why do farts smell?
For the benefit of the deaf.
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Post by TheWalkinDude on Aug 26, 2009 10:46:42 GMT
Whats black and white and read all over?
A nun with stab wounds!
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Post by ian on Aug 26, 2009 20:17:28 GMT
What's black, white, red and can't turn around in a corridor?
A nun with a spear through her neck.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Aug 28, 2009 17:01:12 GMT
South African runner Caster Semenya has reacted angrily to the news that she has to take a sexual verification test. She's quoted as saying:
"After winning the gold this is a real kick in the bollocks."
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Post by amie29 on Sept 2, 2009 4:55:26 GMT
;D A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
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