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Post by craigherbertson on Dec 26, 2009 10:18:18 GMT
;D
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Post by craigherbertson on Dec 26, 2009 10:21:12 GMT
A farmer goes halves with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. Weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broken through the fence, and has then serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
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Post by Jim on Dec 28, 2009 19:46:30 GMT
With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife."This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jan 23, 2010 13:39:24 GMT
I hereby request a rise in salary. The reasons are:
I do hard physical labour in great depths. I don't get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet, dark environment with poor ventilation and high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Best regards,
P. Nis (Mr)
Response:
After considering your request and the points raised we reject your request for the following reasons: You are part-time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You need to be stimulated into starting work. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and fail to observe Health & Safety regulations such as protective clothing. You are unable to work double shifts and you dribble too often.
Regards,
V. Gina (Ms)
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Post by steppedonwolf on Feb 12, 2010 18:33:08 GMT
Just driving my new Toyota Prius.
Will chat later, can't stop...
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Post by steppedonwolf on Feb 18, 2010 17:38:09 GMT
One for us Great Old Ones...
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
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Post by ian on Mar 7, 2010 18:37:31 GMT
A boxer goes to the doctor's and tells the doctor he is having problems sleeping.
The doctor says, "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"Yes," replies the boxer, "but every time I get to nine, I get up."
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Post by steppedonwolf on Mar 11, 2010 23:32:14 GMT
An Easter joke - somewhat early...
A man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The funeral director said "It'll cost you £5000 to ship her home or you can bury her here for £500."
"Ship her back home," the husband replies.
"But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save some money?"
The husband sighs. "Because a long, long time ago a man was buried here and three days later rose from the dead...I can't take the chance..."
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Post by steppedonwolf on Mar 11, 2010 23:32:35 GMT
And an even longer one. The Hammerman joke - put the kettle on, put your feet up, this may take a while...
A man goes into an agent's office and says "I'm The Hammerman and I've got a great act for you, the like of which you've never seen before."
"OK, I'm interested", says the agent. "Tell me more."
"I can't tell you," says Hammerman, "but I've got all my gear. I'll show you my act if you like."
So the Hammerman goes out into the waiting room. He's out there for ages. The agent can hear him sort of grunting and straining and thumping around the room.
After about 10 minutes, the Hammerman comes back into the agent's office. He's somehow managed to squeeze his rather large frame into this tiny spandex jumpsuit. You can see his eyes bulging and his face is the colour of beetroot. (The spandex is so tight you can see what Hammerman ate for lunch).
So, the agent is getting really excited now. The Hammerman is turning blue with the concentration (or maybe it's the spandex). Suddenly he reaches into a sack by his side and pulls out a large hammer.
Hammerman starts swinging the hammer around his head. Round and round it goes, getting faster and faster. The agent stares open mouthed. Hammerman is puffing and wheezing with the effort.
Suddenly, with a final twist of the wrist, Hammerman swings the hammer one final time and smashes himself in the face, knocking himself out cold.
The agent doesn't know what to do. He quickly phones for an ambulance.
They take Hammerman to the hospital, and the surgeons rebuild Hammerman's face. It takes days of surgery. The surgeon comes out to see the agent (who by now is distraught by what's happened and has been pacing up and down in the hospital waiting room).
"We've done everything we could," says the surgeon. "We just have to pray he's strong enough to pull through."
For 9 days the agent stays by the Hammerman's bedside. He barely sleeps or eats - just hoping and praying that the Hammerman will pull through.
Finally, the Hammerman's breathing changes...
The agent's heart skips a beat...
Hammerman's eyes flicker... then open... he is alive! Hammerman beckons the agent closer to his bedside, and in a feeble, croaky voice whispers...
"Ta-daa!"
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Post by garryc on Mar 16, 2010 13:51:36 GMT
Did you hear the one about the seal who walked into a club...
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Post by ian on Mar 16, 2010 22:07:28 GMT
There's some things money cant buy. For everything else there's money.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Apr 5, 2010 6:54:13 GMT
The Ugly Truth... While walking down the street one day a UK Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the MP.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning.. . …and today you voted.”
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Post by ian on Apr 8, 2010 6:44:52 GMT
What did the confused Magnesium Oxide say?
OMg
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Post by ian on Apr 15, 2010 10:47:56 GMT
A survey out today says women are happier than men. That's simply because they don't have the one thing that pisses men off.
A wife.
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Post by steppedonwolf on May 6, 2010 22:46:12 GMT
A man staggers into Casualty, with multiple bruises, lacerations, two black eyes and a 5 Iron wrapped around his neck.
The doctor asks him what happened. This was the reply:
"I was playing golf with the wife, and she sliced one into a field full of cows. I found the ball wedged in a cow's arse and I shouted: 'This looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that..."
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