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Post by steppedonwolf on May 18, 2010 20:07:58 GMT
David Beckham gets into a taxi.
"Heathrow, please driver."
After a few minutes Beckham spots the driver giving him odd, searching looks in the mirror. This happens continuously until they approach the airport. Then the driver says:
"Come on, mate. Give us a clue."
Beckham smiles smugly, then replies: "I had a great career at Man United, Real Madrid, over a hundred England caps and - "
"No, you thick c*nt. Which terminal?"
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Post by ian on May 20, 2010 16:38:29 GMT
A bullet may have your name on it, but a grenade is addressed 'to whom it may concern'
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Post by steppedonwolf on May 20, 2010 18:23:58 GMT
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but it can make suppositories a bit gritty.
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Post by steppedonwolf on May 22, 2010 8:16:40 GMT
A burgler broke into a house one night. Shining his flashlight around, looking for valuables he heard a voice in the dark say:
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin. He clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a while, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Post by williemeikle on May 22, 2010 18:01:25 GMT
A lady takes her parrot to the Vet. The Vet takes one look and says,
"I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the woman, "How can you know that. You haven't examined it or anything."
The Vet heaves a long-suffering sigh, places the parrot on the examination table, opens the door and whistles. At this, a big dog bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, sniffs at the parrot, looks up and shakes its head sadly.
Then the Vet gives another whistle and a cat comes into the room, springs up onto the table, sniffs the parrot and then shakes its head sadly.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mrs Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."
"Well, it's devastating news but thank you. How much do I owe you?"
"That will be six hundred and forty two pounds please."
"How much?" cried the woman in shock. "That's far too much money!"
"Well it's your own fault," said the Vet. "If you had believed me in the first place it would only have been twenty pounds. But you insisted on a Lab report and a Cat scan."
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Post by steppedonwolf on May 25, 2010 8:39:31 GMT
Three hoodies have failed their sex education exam at school. They're not happy.
"I'm gonna bust that teacher's head wide open!" the first yells.
"And I'm gonna smash that teacher's car up!" yells another.
"Yeah," says the third. "And I'm gonna kick her in the balls."
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Post by steppedonwolf on May 30, 2010 12:32:56 GMT
I tried to open a PDF file and a washerwoman entered my room on a trapeze.
She must have been a dhobi acrobat...
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jun 18, 2010 12:34:25 GMT
Well, The Karate Kid has been remade (but oddly, with Kung Fu - I hope they have the wax on, wax off sequence).
So, time for a Mr Miyagi joke.
How does Mr Miyagi relax at night?
Wax off
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jun 20, 2010 17:48:27 GMT
The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,"
...said Jamal, aged 6
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jun 25, 2010 20:00:10 GMT
Snow White tearfully leads a team of rescuers to a mine shaft. The lift has plummetted to the ground.
"Down there!" she wails. "All the Seven Dwarfs were in the lift! They're probably dead!"
The team listen to a sound coming from the dark shaft. A thin whispering chant, rising upwards...
"In-ger-land...In-ger-land...ENGLAND WILL WIN THE WORLD CUP!"
The rescue team grin to each other. One says:
"Well, at least Dopey's still alive..."
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Post by ian on Jun 26, 2010 8:21:45 GMT
Guys, I'm f*cking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a f*cking cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker f*cking hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart and a gorgeous southern bell. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all f*cking worse is that I live in a f*cking pineapple under the sea.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jul 5, 2010 11:48:33 GMT
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree? Because Olivia Newton John completely fails to mention it.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jul 7, 2010 8:21:51 GMT
Generosity doesn't always involve handing over money. Ask my wife. She says it’s a long time since she last saw the top of my head.
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Post by ian on Jul 8, 2010 5:52:10 GMT
Hi, I'm a sexy 19 year-old blonde from the North of England looking for some fun. My Mr Right should be a big, strong ginger man, with a fiery temper and a jealous nature, as well as enjoying writing long letters and camping.
If this sounds like you contact me at;
armedresponse@northemberlandpolice.org.uk
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jul 8, 2010 9:01:06 GMT
My last date involved coprophilia, bestiality and analingus.
What a fantastic game of Scrabble.
Especially after all that filthy, dead-goat sex.
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