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Post by steppedonwolf on Sept 11, 2009 18:22:59 GMT
Siamese twins Bill and Ben were both joined at the hip. Bill on the left, Ben on the right.
They decided to leave America for a touring holiday around Britain. They stopped off for a drink at their favourite bar first and Bill told the barman where they were going.
"Ah! England! Fantastic place. The culture, the history, the music...the Queen. You'll have a great time, guys!"
Bill shakes his head. "No, man. We're not going for any of that."
"No? What are you going for, then?"
Ben says "It's the only opportunity I'll get to drive a car..."
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Post by amie29 on Sept 13, 2009 20:15:39 GMT
lmao
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Post by steppedonwolf on Sept 14, 2009 22:44:49 GMT
Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One egg says to the other:"I've got a huge crack!"
The other egg replies: "Stop f***ing teasing me, I'm not hard yet..."
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Post by steppedonwolf on Sept 19, 2009 9:12:58 GMT
Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.'
'Oh dear. Badly?'
'Yes,' Tommy replies. 'They don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'
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Post by steppedonwolf on Sept 19, 2009 9:16:59 GMT
Had my first gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
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Post by amie29 on Sept 23, 2009 3:56:19 GMT
Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott , Az. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,
"If you ain'tgonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
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Post by steppedonwolf on Oct 25, 2009 11:39:45 GMT
I saw four pallbearers carrying a coffin yesterday. This morning, I saw the same four carrying the same bloody coffin.
Those guys have definitely lost the plot...
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Post by Jim on Oct 25, 2009 16:45:49 GMT
I saw four pallbearers carrying a coffin yesterday. This morning, I saw the same four carrying the same bloody coffin. Those guys have definitely lost the plot... you are really asking for it now
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Post by steppedonwolf on Oct 25, 2009 20:23:22 GMT
Stevie Wonder is playing a three hour gig in Tokyo. After the encore, he asks if anyone has any requests.
Someone in the mosh pit shouts: "Play a jazz chord!"
So Stevie plays a perfect 15 minute set of Harlem Jazz. The man in the mosh pit is not impressed.
"No! Play a jazz chord!"
A bewildered Stevie Wonder says: "Alright, man, if you think you can do better, come on up and have a go."
The Tokyo man climbs out of the mosh pit, sits at the piano, plugs in Stevie's microphone/headset and begins to sing:
"A jazz chord...to say...a ruv you..."
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Post by amie29 on Nov 3, 2009 14:56:47 GMT
;D Rotfl
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Post by ian on Nov 3, 2009 16:24:21 GMT
I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5.
It was a pi rated DVD.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Nov 11, 2009 14:59:49 GMT
I've got gammon flu. Originally I had swine flu but I went to hospital and they cured me.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Nov 19, 2009 19:42:23 GMT
Two Italian men are talking on a bus in England. A little old lady is sitting in front of them. She ignores them at first, but her attention changes when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last-a time."
The old lady can't take any more. "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed pig!" she retorts indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
"Hey, cool-a down, lady," says the first man. "Who talkin' about-a sex? I'm just-a telling my friend how to spell MISSISSIPPI..."
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Post by steppedonwolf on Dec 22, 2009 17:04:26 GMT
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Dec 25, 2009 2:06:09 GMT
Twas the night of Thanksgiving
And out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin'
Chased by his spouse
She wielded a nine iron
And wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number
Was in his Blackberry
He'd been cheatin' on Elin
And the story progressed
Woman after woman
Stepped up and confessed
He'd been cheatin' with Holly
And Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika
The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour
To the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale
Was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses
He had lots of sex,
When not in their pants
He was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin'
And beggin' and pleadin'
Tiger's wife went investin'
In a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim
From her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid
Then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting; in fact
She is of jolly good cheer.........
Her prenup made Christmas
Come early this year!!
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