Post by ianfaulkner on Jul 28, 2009 21:56:03 GMT
I decided today about the pursuit of a new goal in my life; would it be a challenge that would stretch my very being to its limits? A task that would be so Herculean in its ranging scope that it would make Hillary’s assent of Everest look like a morning stroll in the park?
The short answer is no.
But after watching what I could arguable describe as the WORST horror movie I have seen, I realized with sinking heart that there could well be other stinkers of this magnitude floating lazily around in the toilet bowl of life just waiting for the next unsuspecting and innocent viewer to come along, lift the lid, and reveal them all their full glory the turd of turds. And I’m not talking about a movie that will make the viewer merely only feel depressed about the money that they have paid out to see it. That wouldn’t be good enough. I’m talking about a movie that is so bad that the person watching it feels violated and soiled by the experience.
And so, for my first review of all that is rotten in the state of moviemaking, we turn our attention to:
Skeleton Crew: 2009
Dir: Tommy Lepola/Tero Molin
Writers: Tero & Teemu Molin
The tag line for this offering from the bowel of Satan is ‘There’s no sequel for you’; and trust me…if you have the balls to stick with this pile of steaming poop through to the bitter end, you’ll thank all that you hold to be holy that there won’t be.
I don’t know where to start really. The plot is the most contrived that you’ll ever wish to see in and grade F movie…I won’t even dignify this with the honorific of a ‘B’ movie…that would be an insult.
Basically a film crew turns up at a derelict Asylum somewhere on the border of Russia…it never really explains the location…where 30 years previously a demented doctor decided to go into the film making business by turning out his own snuff movies by using the inmates as his cast. The erstwhile medic then disappeared taking the majority of his footage with him. The modern day crew turn up to re-create the events in a schlock horror movie.
The plot then, of course, is totally predictable as the new director assumes the mantle of his real-life predecessor and starts joyfully killing off the cast and crew in various horrific ways.
Let me talk for just a moment about the actor who portrays this new and improved homicidal maniac; I feel he has to have special mention, although there is plenty of guilt to go around. His name is Steve Porter. Don’t bother getting too attached to his performance, which is the most wooden one I’ve seen since Pinocchio, as I can almost guarantee after this movie we won’t be seeing him again…unless it’s on his mug shot as he is led away by the police after being arrested for crimes against the viewing public. I mean, he can’t help looking like a refugee Amish extra from ‘Witness’…I won’t hold that against him. But why the hell does he have to deliver every line like he’s an alumni from the William Shatner school of acting? He was awful. The stick up his ass looked like it had a stick up its ass. His manic eye-rolling teeth-baring performance as an insane killer was silly to the point of being ludicrous. I cringed as I watched it, but for all the wrong reasons. It wasn’t fear it was embarrassment.
Finnish director Tommi Lepola who also made that unforgettable 2003 classic Kohatalon Kirja (aka ‘The book of fate’…remember that one? Of course you don’t!) puts the action together in a totally lackluster way…you can almost feel his desperation in every scene as he quickly comes to the inescapable conclusion that he is working with the absolute WORST bunch of actors, writers and continuity people since the immortal Ed Wood graced the silver screen and tries to salvage something from this rapidly sinking tugboat of a movie.
But despite all their combined efforts…or perhaps because of them…the end product had the inevitability of a low speed car crash.
Lepola also seems to have a predilection with actresses with large butts. It was almost like you couldn’t act in his movie unless your ass reached a certain weight; it was quite Bizarre. All I have to say on that particular subject, is some people should definitely wear clothes. Or at least underwear that actually fits. It really did add insult to injury.
Suffice to say, that the cast ran the gamut of emotions from A to…well… to A really.
Skeleton Crew was bad. Not just bad in the conventional sense as in badly written, acted, or directed…but unwholesome like biting into a rotten apple or taking a mouthful of sour milk. It was violence and gore, for the sake of it…gratuitous lesbian sex that had NO real relationship to the plot, other than trying to appeal to people’s baser instincts. All in all it left a nasty taste in my mouth.
I now live in mortal dread that any of these people involved would ever option one of my own stories for the movie rights.
Avoid this awful rubbish like a dose of terminal hemorrhoids, unless you really are, like me, in pursuit of the worst horror movie ever made!
The short answer is no.
But after watching what I could arguable describe as the WORST horror movie I have seen, I realized with sinking heart that there could well be other stinkers of this magnitude floating lazily around in the toilet bowl of life just waiting for the next unsuspecting and innocent viewer to come along, lift the lid, and reveal them all their full glory the turd of turds. And I’m not talking about a movie that will make the viewer merely only feel depressed about the money that they have paid out to see it. That wouldn’t be good enough. I’m talking about a movie that is so bad that the person watching it feels violated and soiled by the experience.
And so, for my first review of all that is rotten in the state of moviemaking, we turn our attention to:
Skeleton Crew: 2009
Dir: Tommy Lepola/Tero Molin
Writers: Tero & Teemu Molin
The tag line for this offering from the bowel of Satan is ‘There’s no sequel for you’; and trust me…if you have the balls to stick with this pile of steaming poop through to the bitter end, you’ll thank all that you hold to be holy that there won’t be.
I don’t know where to start really. The plot is the most contrived that you’ll ever wish to see in and grade F movie…I won’t even dignify this with the honorific of a ‘B’ movie…that would be an insult.
Basically a film crew turns up at a derelict Asylum somewhere on the border of Russia…it never really explains the location…where 30 years previously a demented doctor decided to go into the film making business by turning out his own snuff movies by using the inmates as his cast. The erstwhile medic then disappeared taking the majority of his footage with him. The modern day crew turn up to re-create the events in a schlock horror movie.
The plot then, of course, is totally predictable as the new director assumes the mantle of his real-life predecessor and starts joyfully killing off the cast and crew in various horrific ways.
Let me talk for just a moment about the actor who portrays this new and improved homicidal maniac; I feel he has to have special mention, although there is plenty of guilt to go around. His name is Steve Porter. Don’t bother getting too attached to his performance, which is the most wooden one I’ve seen since Pinocchio, as I can almost guarantee after this movie we won’t be seeing him again…unless it’s on his mug shot as he is led away by the police after being arrested for crimes against the viewing public. I mean, he can’t help looking like a refugee Amish extra from ‘Witness’…I won’t hold that against him. But why the hell does he have to deliver every line like he’s an alumni from the William Shatner school of acting? He was awful. The stick up his ass looked like it had a stick up its ass. His manic eye-rolling teeth-baring performance as an insane killer was silly to the point of being ludicrous. I cringed as I watched it, but for all the wrong reasons. It wasn’t fear it was embarrassment.
Finnish director Tommi Lepola who also made that unforgettable 2003 classic Kohatalon Kirja (aka ‘The book of fate’…remember that one? Of course you don’t!) puts the action together in a totally lackluster way…you can almost feel his desperation in every scene as he quickly comes to the inescapable conclusion that he is working with the absolute WORST bunch of actors, writers and continuity people since the immortal Ed Wood graced the silver screen and tries to salvage something from this rapidly sinking tugboat of a movie.
But despite all their combined efforts…or perhaps because of them…the end product had the inevitability of a low speed car crash.
Lepola also seems to have a predilection with actresses with large butts. It was almost like you couldn’t act in his movie unless your ass reached a certain weight; it was quite Bizarre. All I have to say on that particular subject, is some people should definitely wear clothes. Or at least underwear that actually fits. It really did add insult to injury.
Suffice to say, that the cast ran the gamut of emotions from A to…well… to A really.
Skeleton Crew was bad. Not just bad in the conventional sense as in badly written, acted, or directed…but unwholesome like biting into a rotten apple or taking a mouthful of sour milk. It was violence and gore, for the sake of it…gratuitous lesbian sex that had NO real relationship to the plot, other than trying to appeal to people’s baser instincts. All in all it left a nasty taste in my mouth.
I now live in mortal dread that any of these people involved would ever option one of my own stories for the movie rights.
Avoid this awful rubbish like a dose of terminal hemorrhoids, unless you really are, like me, in pursuit of the worst horror movie ever made!