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Post by ian on Jun 20, 2009 13:46:24 GMT
Welcome to the Arena. The rules are quite simple.
In the arena, you murder the last poster, you cannot allow them to live.
You cannot re-enter the arena straight after you die. You MUST allow your murderer to be killed before climbing in again.
Clear?
Your'e not? Ok, here's an example.
post 1 -
Fred enters the arena and awaits.
post 2-
Joe sneaks up behind fred and pushes a barbecue skewer through the back of Fred's neck. Fred falls to the floor and Joe laughs triumphantly.
post 3 - Sarah enters and offers Joe a nice cup of tea. The idiot drinks it not realising that the cup in fact contained highly concentrated caustic soda. Joe dissolves into a puddle of pink porridge.
ETC....
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Post by ian on Jun 20, 2009 13:47:15 GMT
Ian steps into the arena, wondering what fate befalls him.
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Post by Jim on Jun 20, 2009 13:53:44 GMT
jim, sneaks up behind Ian, and clubs him to death with his crappy ipod touch that won't work
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jun 20, 2009 14:12:26 GMT
Ade storms into the arena in a black rage, furious that Jim has won the I Win game behind his back. He raises his bow, releases all six arrows that unerringly hit the target (unlike real life).
Jim falls to the floor, his head looking not unlike the Kerplunk! game of the 1970s.
Ade walks away, whistling happily and muttering, sotto voce, I win...
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Post by ian on Jun 20, 2009 14:20:25 GMT
Ade runs into Ian who has brought a spade.
He swings the spade but Ade ducks, This annoys Ian who jumps upon his feet. Ade collapses in agony, holding his swollen feet in his hands.
Ian follows this by thrusting the edge of the spade into Ade's exposed neck severing the head.
His picks the head up by the hair watching the warm blood fountain from the stump.
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Post by Jim on Jun 20, 2009 14:27:10 GMT
Jim sits up, luckily his love of king rib suppers provided a natural protection against Ades puny arrows. Seeing Ian gloating over the bloody remains of Ade, fills Jim with a hunger, taking one of the arrows from his body, he skewers both of Ians eyes outm making a tasty kebab.
Ian blinded, slips on the sea of blood from Ades warm corpse, smashing his head open on his own spade. Jim thinks yummmm brains for after
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Post by ian on Jun 20, 2009 14:34:31 GMT
lol
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jun 22, 2009 23:07:13 GMT
As Jim greedily swallows the last of Ian's brains, (grunting in disappointment because he's going to starve to death) he sees something moving out of the corner of his eye.
He drops the shattered skull of Ian in horror. Behold! Advancing stealthily towards him, in John Carpenter's The Thing stylee, is Ade's head.
Ade's mouth opens, and the evil Mouth Ulcer From Hell explodes in a welter of blood and white, suppurating flesh. Jim is drenched in this revolting mixture, inadvertently swallows it...
...and within moments, the Hell Ulcer is at work, transforming his bowels into an intestinal version of the curse that has afflicted poor Ade for the last week. Screaming in agony, vomiting up melting pieces of putrefying organs, Jim writhes on the bloodstained sand of the arena, a new definition of suffering as he takes a week to die.
The audience applauds politely.
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Post by ian on Jun 28, 2009 19:30:12 GMT
Steppendonwolf does not see Ian creeping up behind him until it's too late.
Way too late. He spins around only to have a syringe full of baby poisonous spiders injected into his neck.
Poor, poor Steppendonwolf. He has no chance.
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Post by darrelljoyce on Jun 28, 2009 23:23:56 GMT
OK, this sounds like fun! Right - Ian is still gloating over his successful murder of Steppedonwolf. He stands over the corpse, laughing maniacally, unaware that the evil Darra is creeping up behind him, wielding a bloodstained machete. He turns round to face his assailant, but is too late to duck away when Darra cruelly swipes at him, decapitating him in one fell swoop. Ian's head falls to the ground, still gibbering in its last moments, while Darra cackles at the ease of his victory. Mwahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Oh, yessss.......... ;p
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Post by Jim on Jun 29, 2009 4:51:51 GMT
forgetting that Jim has grown up on a diet of haggis and potted hough, Jim finishes chewing on he chunky bits of Ades ulcer juice. Seeing Dara swinging what looks to Jim like a butter knife, Jim picks up Ians head, wondering why it feels so light, for a second, before ramming it straight down Daras throat. Clutching at his mouth Dara starts choking, slowing turning bluer and bluer, he finally falls to the ground dead
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Post by ian on Jul 8, 2009 14:38:50 GMT
Ian jumps into the arena and offers his congratulations to Jim. He then offers a glass of a fine single malt to the man who drinks it down in one gulp
Oh dear.
The fine single malt was in fact a combination of ground up slug pellets dissolved in a solution of paint stripper and caustic soda.
Jim falls to his knees while clawing out his swollen, burning throat. He takes a while to die but this is fine as ian has brought along a jigsaw puzzle to complete.
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Post by steppedonwolf on Jul 8, 2009 17:41:21 GMT
Baby spiders...baby spiders...
Ha! The foolish Ian Dubya has forgotten that the evil Mouth Ulcer Juice has caustic properties, thus all infant arachnids squirted into Ade's system are instantly dissolved and made harmless. Ade's head goes in search of his departed body, finds it, joyful reunion etc. Now, his eyes scour the - increasingly - bloodstained and corpse strewn landscape of The Arena. They fix on the self-satisfied figure of a bespectacled man frowning over a 25 piece jigsaw of Tinky Winky...
With a cruel smile, Ade strides over to Ian.
"Like jigsaws, do we?" he says sweetly. "Try this one..."
The Black and Decker jigsaw buzzes into life, the serrated edge of the blade splattering blood onto the sand as Ian's body is cut into 25 pieces. As each section is crudely sliced away Ian's body dances in agony, a dance uncannily similar to that of the purple Teletubby. A revolting JIG, that everyone SAW...
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Post by darrelljoyce on Jul 17, 2009 14:20:43 GMT
Realising that he's finally found a use for the old-world magic he learned during interminable sessions on World of Warcraft, Darra deploys his 'arcance intellect' to transform himself into a nubile young Goth girl.
Sashaying over to Ade, who is still gloating over his last victory, Darra-girl flutters 'her' eyelashes and makes an indecent suggestion.
Being male, Ade takes the bait. He follows Darra to a shadowy corner of the arena, licking his lips and contemplating his apparently effortless conquest.
While he is busy unfastening his clothes, Darra-girl uses another spell to conjure up an unfeasibly large chainsaw.
Ade's eyes widen in terror as Darra wields the chainsaw, but he is unable to run because his trousers are caught round his ankles. He turns away anyway, shuffling as fast as he can and screaming entreaties that fall on deaf ears.
Cruelly, Darra lets his victim gain some ground before advancing. Archly asking what's wrong and making further promises of carnal fun and games, he steps forward and plunges the whirring blades into Ade's back, severing his spine and shredding several vertebrae in the process.
Incapacitated and screaming incoherently, Ade rolls over and collapses to the ground. Darra steps in and disembowels him with gratuitous slowness, smiling with dark satisfaction as he sees the light dying in his victim's eyes. He then changes back into the real Darra and resolves to get back to Warcraft soon. Arcane magic is fun.
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Post by ian on Jul 18, 2009 21:29:57 GMT
Ian has returned, there's no creeping up strategy this time. Oh no, now he goes for the bold approach. Young Darra Sees the mighty Ian approach and of course, he shits himself.
Ian is carrying two bottle of McEwan's Champion. the beer for kings and real men. (7.3%)
While Darra is crying and begging the mighty Ian not to hurt him, Ian drinks the evil beers and once the liquid is where it belongs he bites off the glass tops. (He is that hard) Leaving jagged edges, oh goody!
Stomping over to the quivering human form who for some reason is trying to cast a gay spell, he thrusts the broken bottles into each of Darra's eyes.
Pushing deep. Oh yes! The final double twist before pulling out completes the move.
Two eyeballs float around in the beer slops at the bottom of the bottle.
Next!
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